The Marquis de Sade had to be a dental hygienist!

I went to the dentist for the first time in umpteen years last week. There was nothing particularly pressing dental-wise...it was just time to go. The exam results were a good news/bad news deal. Good news: You're at the dentist finally. Bad news: What the hell were you thinking waiting so long? My teeth (what's left of them) are in pretty good shape (no cavities). But, the gums gotta go! Shit, we used to joke about that years ago.

So, today, a week later, I had my first treatment...a long-overdue cleaning. Check that. It's called a Deep Cleaning. It's something that needs to be done when #1 - You've waited way too long between visits. #2 - You've refused to floss your entire life. #3 - You have a lot of plaque and calculus on your teeth, (evidently calculus is something worse than plaque, not an elective in high school). Geeze, how can that be? I used to get those Gold Stars from Sheriff John for brushing my teeth!

At 11:30 am, I reluctantly checked into The Hostel III Dental Clinic and Torture Parlor. They led me back immediately and strapped me into a plastic covered chair with a view of the parking lot and Wal-Mart in the distance. Should people be watching this sort of thing? A pleasant-sounding lady introduced herself behind me as Elizabeth...she may have said, "I'm Madame Elizabeth. I'll be your guide into the world of S & M. Would you prefer a painkiller...or not?" I was too nervous to remember. I couldn't tell you what her face looked like, she was wearing a surgical mask, industrial strength protective goggles, and a shiney, skin-tight black leather suit the whole time.

"Hmmm", Madame Elizabeth exclaimed while viewing my recent X-rays, "This may take a while, James. You've been a bad, bad, boy!" I could hear the crinkle sound from her leather outfit as she settled into the heavily embroidered buckskin chair behind me. She smelled strangely like my first set of Harley chaps mixed with Estee Lauder and garlic cheese bread. An Air Supply song came on the office Muzak system...I'm All Out Of Love I think.

Her stiletto-healed boot stomped on a small petal under my chair, sending me backwards immediately into a prone position...now looking up directly into her masked face and one of those saliva splatter-stained lights...she said, "Are you ready, James?"

My first dental treatment in many years commenced. After at least 15 minutes or so of novacaine injections, it managed to numb my entire left side. Not just the left side of my mouth...but the entire left side of my body!

Madame Elizabeth drilled, scraped, buffed, picked, ground, and assaulted my teeth. At one point, I could have sworn she strattled me from the front, and placed her stiletto-high-heeled boots on my chest for more leverage. This excrutiatingly painful torture party went only for 45 straight minutes with no let up, save for an occasional pause when I began to gag on all the water, spit, plaque, and blood running down my throat. "Are you O.K.?", she asked with feigned sincerity. "Ahhggg!", I responded with a slight nod. The suction tube continued it's watery, gurgling, suction sound, the roto-tool screamed and transmitted that high frequency dental office drill sound into the room and through my teeth into my brain. "Isn't this harmful to my already 'Navy-jet- roar-damaged' ear drums?", I asked myself. "What if I cough and gag and she drops that lethal drill thing into my throat...then what?"

I could see geysers of pink water shooting into the air highlighted by an already stained dental lamp overhead. The spraying geysers went higher and higher, covering my face with a coating of liquid that smelled like burnt teeth, novacaine, and blood. How come I didn't get to wear goggles? It was coming down in my eyes! Cheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun) was playing now. How strange. This is as far from having some fun as one could get! Madame Elizabeth was relentless. continuing her masochistic tirade on my mouth. I began to pray for a power failure...a tornado...any emergency will do at this point!

And then...it stopped. Was she simply pausing to unwrap some new implement of pain not yet used? Did she need to administer more novacaine for the really bad part? Was she answering a cell phone call from the dental board informing her they made a mistake on her exam and she had failed to get her license? No, it was actually over. Done for now.

Madame Elizabeth informed me that she wanted me to floss. She wanted me to rinse with warm salt water when I got home. "It will help your gums heal", she said in a calm, comforting manner. Help my gums heal! What the hell happened to my gums? I'm not looking at any of this in the mirror when I'm done.

She led me out to the reception desk, she had removed her mask, goggles, leather outfit, and stiletto-healed leather boots. Elizabeth was very pleasant looking, she had a smile on her face. I tried to smile...only one side of my face managed to move. I looked as if I had just had a stroke. Maybe I did. I just wanted to get out of there...until next Wednesday when the Madame will do the right side. I was only half done.

Copacabana by Barry Manilow was playing on the speakers as I stumbled out the door to my car.