How about we all stop whining about how fucked up the holiday season has become? Sure, Cousin Eddie's line from the movie pretty much says it all, not to mention it spews from the mouth of one of the most clueless characters in modern moviedom. But how prophetic? It speaks volumes about how we all have come to feel about Christmas. It sucks!
Putting aside the "reason for the season", ie, the religious aspect of Christmas (a topic I won't debate with you, Jerry Lundegard!), let's put things in perspective. Christmas has become the season where marketing spin doctors masturbate themselves into frenzied circle jerks. Their wagons of product misinformation, commercials, and newspaper ads circle us hapless settlers who simply want to sit around the camp fire and get warm. All we really want to do is gather with friends, sip some eggnog, munch on a turkey leg, and watch Clark Griswold go slowly insane.
Yes, most of us were raised with visions of Remco toys, Chatty Cathy dolls, and shiny new bicycles dancing in our heads for several months leading up to Christmas, but it ain't like that anymore. We've all grown up and been bitch slapped at least a dozen times with the reality of life. Dudes (and dudettes)...you won't find a Mr. Wizard Chemical set under the tree on Christmas morning! You won't tune in the radio for Santa Radar Reports, or leave milk and cookies near the tree when you go to bed, or sit holding your shiny new remote controlled car for seven straight hours on Christmas Day. And for us who are even farther advanced in age, you won't enjoy this season by watching the joy of your young children opening presents...now they too have grown and become a bit disenchanted with the whole thing. They too are feeling the stress, the financial and social pressure to put on the cheery holiday face. They too have become, if not sarcastic or even cynical, pragmatic in their efforts to deal with everything yule-like.
The holiday season is when people get the most depressed all year long. Self-imposed expectations overwhelm even the most stalwart souls. Where once we looked forward to December...we now dread it. The only thing one can do now? Commiserate. Forget about rationalizing or coping or self-medicating. None of that works...well, maybe the self-medicating can be fun on occasion. Simply try to remember that you are not alone in your misgivings (pardon the gift-giving pun) about Holly Jolly Christmas.
One Christmas long ago, I remember sitting on Santa's lap and getting my picture taken. He was a damn good looking Santa as far as department store Santas go. Big old thick beard, red and white suit, and a big red nose. It wasn't until years later that I learned the big red nose is called a gin blossom (from years of drinking gin)! After telling the jolly old guy what I wanted for Christmas, I climbed down and ran to my Mom proudly waiting nearby. "Mommy", I asked, "How come Santa's breath smells like Dad's breath when you and him come home late from a Christmas party? Does Santa smoke cigars and drink the same stuff Dad buys every Christmas? You know, the bottle with the "7" on it?"
So, if you're wondering what to get someone for Christmas. Check that. If you're spazzing out about what to get someone for Christmas...knock that shit off! None of us (least not me) expect anything like that anymore. I, personally, will be content to enjoy reliving those old memories...and watching a Christmas movie or two. I've yet to watch Christmas Vacation or It's A Wonderful Life this year.
Yup...the shitter may be full. But my cup of pleasant holiday memories is more than full...it is overflowing!
