At least they don't break your legs when you can't pay...yet.

shylock (shy-lok) Offensive

n.

A ruthless moneylender; a loan shark.

intr.v. shy·locked, shy·lock·ing, shy·locks

To lend money at exorbitant interest rates, e.g., Capital One, HFC, HSBC, Washington Mutual Credit Card, GE Money Bank, et al.

No, they don't break legs yet. But calling you (from India and Malaysia) every hour from 8:01 am to 9:00 pm seven days a week is plain and simple harassment.

Our modern-day shylocks. By definition and actions, they are worse than a character on The Sopranos!

The new Camaro...I just don't know yet!

I'm an old Camaro owner. I'm old...and I've owned Camaros...so there ya' go! I drove a 1986 Camaro Z28 in the mid-80s. It was charcoal gray, had the H.O. (high output, ie, hemi) engine option, T-tops, and ran like a dream. That screamer was traded in on a 1985 Ford Bronco II because my little baby's car seats didn't fit very well in the "pretend" back seat of the Camaro. Then came the 1996 Camaro Z28 which was traded in for 2000 SS (the top option package of a Z28). That was sold last year to make (financial) way for my 1969 Porsche 912 project (in progress). Someday, I will have another Camaro, it's just a matter of time.

I've always loved Chevy's counter to Ford's Mustang. The Camaro/Mustang debate rages to this day on websites, forums, and talk rooms. Conversations like, "Camaros suck...Mustangs rule!" permeate cyberspace on a daily basis. The Camaro really seemed to pulled ahead in this rivalry in the late 70's and early 80's when the Mustang morphed into what looked (and performed like) a Pinto on steroids. A 1975 era Mustang was pathetic-looking during those dark days. Especially considering 60's era Mustangs are still the "bomb", and one of the vintage autos I will drive some day. Specifically, a late 60's GT Fastback model...maybe a dark green, 390, 4-speed like the one Steve McQueen drove in bullet.

Fortunately, for Ford, this Iococca concocted marketing coup from 1964 1/2 has managed to survive. The newer Mustangs are really cool, having retro-designed their look in recent years.

Back to my beloved Camaro. I believe 2002 was the final year it was made. The Detroit genuises in the three-piece suits decided to "shit can" our baby for a few years. Throwing out the baby with the bath water seems to be appropriate here. Why didn't they just roll the new design back then? Dumbasses. Not a brain amongst them.

One of the appeals for the Camaro (and the Mustang) is its price point. They were relatively cheap to buy. The later model Z28's and SS's were packed with Corvette engines (the H.O. version of the 5.7 liter Chevy V-8). My SS also had a 6-speed manual transmission, T-Tops, and leather seats. Beyond the leather seat option, Chevy didn't bother too much with fancy interiors. They made them simple, almost cheesy, putting the lion's share of the cost into rack and pinion steering, a nice stiff suspension, a sleek, elegant body design, and that Corvette V-8. We loved our Camaros! Fast and friendly and affordable...unless, of course, you needed some work done on the engine. But that's another story altogether, ie, $200 for a spark plug change!

Fast forward to 2008. Chevrolet will again offer the public a Camaro line. I won't go into any technical details right now since the information I have is minimal at this point. I will tell you that the biggest engine will now be a 6 liter version. Whether or not that is a good thing, who knows? People who want to drive a muscle car aren't concerned with the price of gas...then or now.

I will reserve my opinion on the new Camaro until after it comes out, that's only fair. But judging by the photo of the new convertible, this former Camaro fan was a little disappointed. The one thing I didn't want to see is something like Pontiac tried to do when they resurrected the GTO. Itlooked like just another passenger car...like a Camry, or an Accord, or a Pinto for the New Millenium. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Shame on you Pontiac!

Well, the new Camaro (at least from that angle) looks like those annoying, animated, talking cars from the Chevron commercials. My gosh...it looks like a cartoon car, maybe something from Roger Rabbit. I wonder if it is going to have a talking grill with the headlights blinking like eyes? So, for what it's worth at this point, here is the convertible version of the 2008 Camaro...

Perhaps it will look better in person. Perhaps it will have a great "personality". Perhaps Chevrolet has attempted to bring back the Camaro look of the 60's. Perhaps they should have left it alone!

An open letter to my sister...and to my Dad.

I wrote this letter and emailed it to my sister a couple months ago. I chose not to post it here, but have changed my mind. Maybe you can relate to it on a personal level.

Kris:

I was going through a collection of old family photos today, photos that Mom gave me a while back. Photos that I have been scanning into the computer.

One of the things I noticed in the pictures was the difference between the three of us kids. There were shots of us individually as well as group pictures from baby days to teenage days. All of these photos were from the mid-60s and earlier, nothing real recent. You, Kris, are always smiling, making a face, soaking in the attention, mugging for the camera, enjoying the moment. Kim (our youngest sister) seems a little more serious, not quite sure of herself, maybe a little bored. And then there's me. I'm rarely smiling, especially in the teen years pictures. In fact, even as a child, I seem to be somewhere else...even angry at having my picture taken. These observations of mine are not something I didn't already know, or haven't thought about before. They are, though, a reminder of how we really don't change much over the years...or do we?

When someone in your life dies, or something inside of you dies...you do change. I think that both of these have happened to me in the last couple of years. My only true mentor in life died almost two years ago. A kind of reluctant mentor to me, from both mine and his perspective. Our father was indeed a hero of sorts to me. I always thought he was "The Man". My dad can beat up your dad kind of thing. Thinking back about my buddy's fathers...I know he could kick their asses! Our father's role as a mentor pretty much went away 17 years before his passed away, through no fault of his own. He had a debilitating stroke...’nuff said on that for the time being. What he provided to me as a mentor was an ear. He didn't always say very much, but I think we all knew he was listening when we came to him. Concerning myself and how I used that judicious mentoring he provided, it often fell on deaf ears...my ears. But, that's just kid stuff...none of us ever really "listen" to what parents have to say, even my kids. I just hope that they appreciate the fact that I listen to them and have anything to say. I hope that is worth something in the long run.

The "thing" inside of me that has died is more difficult to explain than the passing of a loved one or mentor. I feel that I have lost my "hope" at times. I've written about it, even recently. I've written about hope and dreams and self-confidence. The actual writing about those three things seems to help maintain a glimmer, a spark, a source of ignition waiting for some fuel. But it seems that just like the three essential elements of fire: heat, fuel, and air...I am missing something. I think that "thing" I am missing is still in me, I just can't find it any longer. The fuel is allusive to me right now. I may have indeed run out of gas. Not for life or the desire to go on living...but for the desire to pursue the things I dream about all the time. The things that I have dreamed about since I was little.

I know our dad wanted something different in his life. In fact, we all know that he hated the money-earning profession he had found himself in. It was just a job. He knew he had much more to offer his employers than he was given credit for. And that is where he and I were so similar. None of us often knew what he was thinking about at any given time, he was a very stoic, inward person when it came to expressing feelings. I'm relatively sure it was because he didn't feel comfortable complaining, especially about things that he may actually have control over...like his choice of profession. He kept those feelings inside. We both got discouraged easily. And, we both took things personally.

I hope that you, despite recent challenges in your life, have not lost that spark I see in your eyes in those old photos. Why you always seemed to be such a contradiction to our sister and myself, I may never know. I am quite confident it wasn't because you were adopted...because you weren't! You must have inherited some genes from a relative just like you. Genes that didn't assimilate into my being. This gene-donor relative was possibly a happy-go-lucky (female) tavern owner in England in the mid-1800s who was also the mayor of the town. She never married, but kept many suitors. She could drink any of her patrons under the table, and didn't hesitate throwing the recalcitrant ones out on their ears herself. She always had a dog, a sheep dog. And ran a livery stable behind the tavern where, being the humanitarian she was, offered shelter and a place to "sleep it off" to some patrons. As another side business, she built furniture. And she always painted until she died at the age of 99.

Maybe that's your distant legacy relative, maybe it isn't. If it was, she had an older brother and a younger sister. The sister got married to a wealthy Lord at a young age, and had children that all came to visit her in her old age. Though the younger sister lived the so-called "good life", she was never very happy or comfortable with it. Her older brother was married several times, traveled around the country quite a bit, and wrote many books about sailing ships, and safaris, and other adventures he never actually experienced himself. But, the books were wildly popular, providing him with the financial support to keep on writing. The brother died, alone, an alcoholic, after moving to New York to seek bigger fame and fortune...never realizing his dreams. He was never satisfied with where he was at the time.

Well, my advice to you sis? Keep trying to pick up that paint brush.

I guess one of the obvious differences between my Dad and me is that I manifest my creative urges and tendencies...in writing and photography. My father, Jim, did write me a long, detailed letter once while I was overseas in the Navy. He wrote it by hand on graph paper (one of the tools of his profession). It was very eloquent, well-composed, and somewhat philosophical in nature. I always wondered why he didn't write more. He had much to say...but often chose not to say anything.

I'm willing to bet that he writes every day now. And everyone around him can't wait for his next story!

Why I watch Lost...hmmm, could it be "Freckles"?

She has been nicknamed "Freckles" by one of the *hunky* characters on Lost. A.k.a. Kate...she is Canadian-born, former Ford model Evangeline Lily.

Or...maybe I am simply enthralled by the quirky plot lines.

Saturday Night Dead

Correct me if I am wrong...but isn’t Saturday Night Live supposed to be a comedy show? With that premise in mind, regardless of the fact that it is the longest running something on network television...it’s just not funny any longer!

I must admit, I don’t watch SNL. I haven’t watched it for many years, until last night. My curiosity got the best of me and I tuned into NBC at 11:32. The opening skit was a Bush news conference thing. Since I don’t recognize any of the NRFPTP, I was not quite sure it was even SNL I was watching. But it was not funny. Not witty. Not mildly amusing. Not anything. It was just an overly-long, blathering of something concocted by an alien civilization cloning what they thought was a Saturday Night Live skit. The show then opened with the signature, trendy, iconic, neo-NewYork filmmaker montage of the “stars”. That in itself was kind of bittersweet for me considering years ago that montage once splashed images of John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd, Gilda Radner, Larraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Bill Murray, Billy Crystal, and Chevy Chase on our T.V. screens. Yes, the Not Ready for Prime Time Players from the Golden Era of SNL. Even with Scarlett Johanssen (my current, favorite celebrity eye-candy) hosting last night, she appeared to be squirming a bit while on camera. An uncomfortableness, like she was saying to herself, "Geeze, I shouldn't be here. This can't be helping my career!"

To be fair to the current (and recent) casts of that show, not every episode from the so-called Golden Era was side-slappingly funny either. In fact, many of the skits bombed back then as well. After all, it is a weekly, one and a half hour show broadcast “live” (on the East coast). Some of the most amusing moments came from it being live, ie, the screw ups, the cast not being able to keep straight faces, the occasional ad lib. But it seems that SNL is now just a sad parody of its former self.

I think I really bailed permanently as a semi-regular viewer when Adam Sandler joined the cast around 1996. I still to this day do not understand the draw of this guy, despite the fact that he can demand (and get) $20 million a movie now. I don’t think he is the least bit funny! But he is laughing all the way to the bank...so be it...more power to him.

Dana Carvey, Mike Meyers, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley...just a few of my favorite funny people who graced the “middle years” of Saturday Night Live. They were genuinely, entertainingly funny.

Maybe some of the current cast members are funny at times. Maybe they too have their “moments”. Most are not and do not. Maybe it’s a function of the show's writing now, I just don’t know. New comedic ground can not be broken without stretching the bounds of good taste and public acceptance I suppose. It has all been done before, many times over.

Saturday Night Live brought us something to watch on the tube on that night. The night when we got home early from partying, or had no plans, or just couldn't find a date. In my case, it was a combination of all three in 1975! Long before SNL debuted, it was The Hollywood Palace on Saturday night. Remember that variety show that featured Juggling Chimpanzee Acts, rising comedians, 60's crooners, and lame showtune numbers with Las Vegas showgirls? Oh...you don't remember The Hollywood Palace? No biggee...it just means you are under 50! BTW...Saturday Night Live started out with that kind of format before it's 1975 transformation...hosted by none other than Howard Cosell!

The Coneheads, the Two Wild and Crazy Guys, Weekend Update (with Ackroyd & Curtin), Wayne’s World, and a hundred other memorable skits...we won’t have to say “Goodbye” to those fond moments in television history when SNL ends someday. We already have...years ago.

Potpourri

American Idol - To the delight of any “legitimate” fan of A.I. (which I am not), that 17-year old from Washington who looks like a really cute guy or a really ugly chick with bad hair in need of a tube of Nair has been voted off. I don’t want to mention his name here and add another minute to his “15 minutes” that has incredulously been extended to about half an hour!

Virginia Tech Tragedy - Self-made tapes from that smudge of human excrement who snuffed out the lives of 32 innocent people surfaced yesterday. Suffice to say after seeing some of that footage that this ass-wipe will be a study in evil for years to come. Freddy, Jason, and Mike ain’t got nothing on him. This wasn’t a movie. The carnage he perpetrated real. The heartbreak he caused forever. His place in Hell eternal.

The Weather - Will we have a year around these parts similar to last? Remember last Spring in the S.J. Valley? A late splurge of Spring wetness causing us all to say, “Wow, we needed that...but enough is enough” followed by a June in the 100’s causing us all to say, “Holy shit...is the A/C working or what?” There hasn’t been a lot of rain lately, but it has been cold, windy, and Fall-like. Spring around here is supposed to be nice, mild, open the doors and windows, turn off the heater for six months, clean the garage, clean the BBQ, get out the tanning gel and shorts kind of weather. Last year: 70’s one month, 100’s the next. How about at least a few weeks in the 80’s God! Or did we already have that in March?

Itchycoo Park - This is one our generation’s one-hit-pop-wonder tunes from the iconic 60’s. Sung by a group called Small Faces somewhere around 1967, it was Banned in Boston! Why? Because of a line or two in the song about ditching school and getting high. “You can miss out school...what do we do there...we’ll get high...we’ll touch the sky...” OMG! How subversive can one song be? Compared to the wordage in a lot of music today, Itchycoo Park could be played in Sunday school. It’s all too beautiful!

Lost - I’m embarrassed to say (again) that I am a fan of that disjointed television serial that can’t tell its ass from a hole in ground. Why am I embarrassed? Because I sleep through every frickin’ episode! That’s why. Loretta can’t miss it, though her devotion wanes as well...transcending to a Lost-induced nap about halfway through. I’ve never really understood what the writers and producers were trying to say, apparently they don’t either since they seem to subscribe to the Indian Jones method of plot development, “What are you going to do next Indy?”...”I don’t know...I making this stuff up as I go!”. In my case, I think I just have a crush on the character sometimes known as “Freckles”...what a doll!

Classified Ad - I am selling something very close to my heart. If there is anyone out there who can't seem to gain weight, forget all those protein shakes and counseling. I'll sell you my extra fat, something I have managed to accumulate a lot of this past Winter. Were talking at least 25 pounds of the stuff! I cut my finger the other day and gravy, ice cream, bourbon, and bacon fat came out...not blood! If no one wants this extra blubber, it's just going to go to waste as I lose weight. Poof...gone! Call 1-800-FAT-SLOB for more information.

Peace.

Virginia Tech Shootings - the insanity of it all.

What can I say about the shootings at Virginia Tech on Monday? What could I possibly have to add to what has already been said over and over in the media?

The news reports will continue for days. The debates will begin (again) for and against gun laws. Some say looser guns laws may have prevented the degree of carnage, ie, if the students were armed...and so on. Do two wrongs make a right? This mentality is as insane as the shootings themselves.

There is no rationalized bright side to any of the recent happenings. For instance, like many recent shootings similar in nature (Columbine) where the sick perpetrators chose to whack themselves after carrying out their sad agenda...the disgusting individual at Virginia Tech will not face justice. He will not spend years, if not decades, in prison jerking off our legal system...something that is being done on a regular basis as we speak a hundred times over. At least the American public will not have to fit the bill for psychiatric evaluations, and public defenders, and housing for this monster who chose to end the lives of 32 innocent people.

Maybe we will find out why it all happened in the coming weeks or months. Maybe we shouldn't care about this filth of humanity now lying in a morgue somewhere in Virginia. Maybe we should simply grind him up into small pieces and dispose of the remains anonymously somewhere. No recognition. No future book or movie deals for his relatives.

Did some bully pick on this slimey, insignificant outcast in grade school? Did that poor college girl he murdered refuse his meager attempts at courtship? Did she not answer his emails, or text messages? Did she turn down his request for a date? I'm sorry...but those same things happened to me (and countless other human males) many times...but I (we) we didn't shoot or harm anyone...ever.

My point is...when the NBC (or ABC, or CBS, or Fox) News Special Reports start to air about the Virginia Tech shooter, keep this in mind...there will never be any justification for his actions. There will never be reason enough to sympathize with this disturbed, pathetic excuse for a human being. He made his choice, now his family must live it down for generations to come. Now his ethnic group must endure what is to come. He has etched himself into history...forever: the Worst Mass Murderer in U.S. History. And, he has secured himself a place in what may be called Hell (if there is such a place). These are the type of people we can only hope make it there...to exist in eternal damnation.

Those poor, innocent students and faculty at Virginia Tech...how sad. And now their friends and families must learn to live with it all...forever. Our prayers are with you.

Interview-A-Blogger - answers to my 5 questions.

My Seattle-ite daughter Jenifer emailed me 5 questions to answer on my blog (after my request to participate of course). If you would like to "play", simply submit a request in the comment section and I will email you 5 questions similar to the ones below. Be sure to include your email address in the comment section.

1. Tell me about the band you were in when you were in the Navy.
Three of my Navy buddies and I got together in 1970 while were at Moffett Field in Mountain View, California. We were going through aircrew training for P-3 Orions in Patrol Squadrons. It was Greg, Ed, Scott, and me...lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass, and drums in that order. We called ourselves Three and a Third because there were three Airmen First Class and one Petty Officer Third class at the time. We practiced in a recording studio in Oakland (across the bay), since Greg was a recording engineer before the Navy...also an awesome guitarist. The same studio where Santana and other Oakland-based music artists recorded from time to time. When all of us finished training and went to Barber's Point, Hawaii later that year we continued to play as much as we could, eventually doing a real gig or two at the base teen center. Our forte: Jimi Hendrix, Zombies, Neil Young, Grand Funk Railroad, Young Rascals, Guess Who, and other Rock/Blues/Pop stuff from that period. We sounded pretty good...when we weren't fighting about what songs to play! But, it was tough getting together very often due to our flight schedules, Vietnam deployments, etc.

2. What's you favorite childhood memory?
Disneyland.

3. If the government enacted a one-dog policy per household, which dog would you keep?
Ooooh...nasty question. Sammy, our greyhound. He really is the least pain-in-the-ass of all three of our dogs. Very mellow, somewhat obedient, extremely affectionate, and very elegant looking. Dumb as a stump as far as dog intelligence goes. No trick dog here!

4. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would you rather be besides Modesto?
Anywhere but Modesto...except Fresno. But, when pressed to choose: New Zealand. I've never been there, but it seems like a cool place.

5. What is the name of the first girl you kissed? Was it a Wonder Years moment?
Of course it was like Wonder Years. I was in the sixth grade. Her name was Susan Sutton, the prettiest girl in the sixth grade. I found out one day that she liked me. A few of us neighborhood kids found ourselves playing spin-the-bottle. She kept spinning the bottle until it landed on me, then chased me around the house trying to kiss me. So, I guess she really wasn't the first girl that I actually kissed. How about Shannon Baker? She came along a bit later. And, she kissed me first...but then I reciprocated. I won't tell you how old I was...that's too embarrassing! I was a late bloomer in that department...but made up for it in my 20's. Ah, fond memories of the 70's!

That's it kids.

Feast or Famine: A new job, it's all about time management again.

I started a new job job this week. It's in the food service industry and involves restaurant management and marketing...both of these are right up my alley. Or, at least they have been in the past 17 years or so. Now I have to switch gears a bit, crank it up a few notches, recycle, reboot, and dredge up some old, unused files (in my head).

Unlike some of my previous experience in the corporate chain restaurant world, this is a locally-owned place. It's been open for a few years in its current configuration. But it is now in need of an infusion of new "blood", ideas, and energy. Enter: me!

So, in one fell swoop in the course of one day, my days are filled with new things to do. Although I will continue to market and work on my photography business (a fact that my new employer was well aware of before hiring me), I just won't have near as much time to devote to it. And since the actual "business" of my photography has not provided the level of activity (and income) I had anticipated. This new challenge is a good thing. Basically, I am no longer exclusively self-employed. My commute to work has been extended from 10 seconds (in my robe) to about 1/2 hour in my car. And, I will need to start taking my dress slacks to the cleaners again on a regular basis. Once again, the game is afoot! Kato...fire up the Yellow Hornet!

To be continued...

Grindhouse - Zoe Bell

After seeing Grindhouse the other day, the two words I kept saying over and over to myself were: Zoe Bell...Zoe Bell...Zoe Bell. Even today, several days later...I keep saying them over and over in my mind: Zoe Bell!

In the Quentin Tarentino movie, Death Proof, in Grindhouse, Zoe Bell plays one of the characters pursued by psycho Stuntman Bob (Kurt Russell). Her character name: Zoe Bell...she plays herself, a stuntwoman working on a movie.

Being a fan of Quentin Tarentino movies, but not a raving/geek/Tarentino fan, I didn’t go into Grindhouse knowing who Zoe Bell was. Now that I have seen the movie, I know who she is. She is a real live working stuntwoman. And she has doubled Uma Thurman, Sharon Stone, and Lucy Lawless in Kill Bill, Catwoman, and Xena...among others.

One of the major attractions to Death Proof was the car chase scene(s). One of which involved the “character” of Zoe Bell talking one her stuntwoman girlfriends into participating in something called Ship’s Mast. This is an extreme “sport” involving sitting on the hood of a fast moving car and holding on to a couple of belts strapped to the door frames. In this movie, Zoe Bell does exactly that on the hood of a borrowed 1970 Dodge Challenger...and she does it all herself, in real time speed, without computer generated special effects. It is, without a doubt, the wildest, most dangerous, continuous stunt you’ll ever see in a movie. Now, factor in psycho Stuntman Bob and his attempts to run them off this country road in his 1968 Dodge Charger. It’s simply incredible to watch and worth the price of seeing Death Proof again as well as buying the DVD when it comes out.

Now, factor in Zoe Bell herself. She is an extremely appealing, engaging, fresh-faced, hot actress as well...in her first dramatic role (save for a couple of minor acting parts in two other movies). She is a tall, slender, very athletic, pretty blonde from New Zealand. From a distance, she looks a lot like Uma...hence, her role doubling Uma in recent films.

In the majority of the chat rooms and forums concerning Grindhouse, it is Zoe Bell who is receiving most of the “buzz”. The movie itself is fun, witty, thrilling, and gross all at the same time. But this Zoe Bell is something else.

What sort of dramatic future does she have, it’s anyone’s guess? She and Tarentino have a lot of movie history together, they both like each other (though she has a boyfriend in NZ), and will undoubtedly work together again in the near future. That is inevitable.

Her acting is pretty good. Her visual appeal is undeniable. She is a sweet-looking, tom-girly, treat who could kick your ass without breaking a sweat. Her background comes from gymnastics and martial arts. Wow!

Zoe Bell...Zoe Bell...Zoe Bell. You gotta see what she does in Grindhouse to believe it!

Grindhouse

Take two trendy writer/directors known for “off the wall” flicks. Throw in a couple of outrageous scripts, an ample assortment of name actors, more than enough girls in hot pants, zombies with bubbling faces, the KNB Special Effects team, a major car chase, peer group directors in acting parts, and the gimmick of a “double feature”...mix well...add a few other gimmicks...and what do you have? You have Grindhouse: Planet Terror and Death Proof.

If you are not already a fan of Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill (Pt 1 & Pt 2), Jackie Brown, Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, or Sin City...Grindhouse may not covert you to being a raving fan of Quentin Tarentino and Robert Rodriguez. If you are already a fan, after seeing Grindhouse you will say, “Cool. What’s next for these guys?”

I must admit when I saw the first teaser/trailer on television a while back, I thought Grindhouse was some sort of Tarentino offering similar to Hostel, or The Devil’s Rejects, ie, Horror/Graphic Violence/Thriller/Blood Splatter/T & A/Zombie movie. After seeing Grindhouse yesterday, I discovered that it is indeed a Horror/Graphic Violence/Thriller/Blood Spatter/T & A/Zombie movie...but a fun one! Again, if you are not already a Tarentino/Rodriguez fan...you may not get this movie. And, yes, one of characters in these flicks is the gratuitous violence itself. With that in mind...

Don’t take the kiddies. Don’t take granny. And don’t go see Grindhouse if you are overly sensitive to all the stuff I mentioned above. Beyond those guidelines...see it and expect to have some fun at the movies.

I do have a few complaints, minor complaints, but complaints. First, one big request for Tarentino: Stay behind the friggin’ camera! I’m not sure why you insist on playing characters in your own movies. If you continue to insist on doing that, just play yourself...that’s the only part you do well.

Second complaint. I really think it could have done without the scratchy film, faux bad edits, and missing reels. Although I suspect the missing reels may show up on DVD, just a guess. These are the “grindhouse” gimmicks most of us more mature moviegoers remember well from the olden days. Only in those days, they just happened! All the phoney movie previews at the beginning, and the “Coming Soon” featurettes in between the two flicks worked very well by the way. Nice touch.

(Spoiler in the next paragraph. No big deal though, it won’t “ruin” the movie for you.)

Lastly, the ending of the second movie, Death Proof, was just too funky and abrupt...even for these guys. An extended 100 mph car chase through the countryside ends, the girls kick their tormentor's ass for what seemed like an eternity, then “The End”. Poof...over!

Loretta and I enjoyed Grindhouse. In the scheme of things (our movie-going) it would rate a 7 out of 10 on our scale...if we had a rating scale, which we don’t. Like most people who actually go to the theater to see movies, we are disappointed more than we are “wowed”. We weren’t disappointed at all with this. It was a fun, at times gross, in-your-face Action flick. And that car chase was excellent, especially since it appeared to NOT use any CG effects whatsoever.

I don’t need to go into details about the story lines here. If you are a fan of this genre, you know what it’s about. If you aren’t a fan, click here for some insight, a unique website that is almost as much fun as the movie itself. Then, go see Grindhouse. Don’t take it too seriously. It is “tongue-in-cheek” movie making at its best. Plus, there's always Bruce Willis. Oh, and Zoe Bell...who was Uma's stunt double in several flicks. By the way...Uma's not in this (go figure)!

Foamy food - what's up with that?

It conjures up one of those scenes from a Steve Martin movie, "Waiter, there are snails on her plate! Get them out of here and bring us something decent!"

Only now, it would sound something like, "Waiter, there is foam on my plate! Get this out of here and bring me some food!"

I suppose I shouldn't criticize this relatively new trendy food "trend" until I taste something with foam on it. Or is there a taste profile at all? Whatever the foam tastes like, it can't be much. After all, it's friggin' foam! Maybe it just looks interesting sitting next to the other micro tidbits and mini-drizzles of colorful sauces, expensive baby vegetables, and unpronounceable crumbs of who-knows-what.

Even the foam doesn't cover very much of mega-sized plates...so oversized and lacking of substance that it looks as though you've been served a dirty plate from the nearby bus tub.
"Excuse me, waiter", I ask, "it seems as though someone has already eaten off this plate...all that's left are scraps!"

Me: "And how much am I paying for this quarter-sized morsel of pigeon feet, stinky cheese, and see-through shavings of fungis?"
Waiter: "Sir, I believe it is priced at $27. But let's not forget that your are privileged to be experiencing cuisine from Chef Marquar Benitez, from Spain".
Me: "What do you call this stinky concoction again?" (becoming a tad indignant)
Waiter: "Now, now!"
Me: "Well...this Now Now not only smells like doggy doo, it has foam on it!"

(My thanks, again, to Blake Edwards and Peter Sellars for the Now Now joke.)

For us tonight: Baked Ziti, homemade sourdough bread, and a glass or two of cheap red wine. There won't be any foam involved...except from the yeast in my soughdough starter! The final 9 episodes of The Sopranos begins tonight.

Fugeddaboutit!

What floats your boat?

Back in my Navy days, the expression was "What spins your prop?" Although, "What floats your boat?" may be Navy oriented as well.

I am reasonably confident that at least 4 people read this blog...on occasion. With that in mind..."What floats your boat?" Please feel free to include spousal units as well, so I can expect at least a couple of comments.

There are no rules or regulations in this request, ie, must be nautical in nature....except, it must be something that has actually happened to you! No bizarre fantasies from the Star Trek Holidome. They may be naughty in nature if you see fit. Is it a certain song? Maybe a song by Billy Ocean that causes you to dance/groove in front of a mirror in the privacy of your own bathroom or automobile? Maybe it's correctly responding to more than three Jeopardy questions in a row (double Jeopardy of course) in funky categories like Ancient Russian History, or, "Pooch-ini-isms" (notice the quotes), or Air Supply - the Lost Hits.

If I had to choose just three things that "float(ed) my boat", here they are.

1. A 350 mph fly-by (right over my head) of a P-51 Mustang.

2. Catching my first trout in a mountain stream (I was 14 at the time).

3. Watching the birth of my children. (Second only to finding out that my "guys" actually worked 9 months earlier).

What spins (or has spun) your prop?

A.I. - again!

A few years ago, the initials A.I. conjured up that lame Spielberg flick, Artificial Intelligence. Now...it's American Idol. The comparisons will be obvious to anyone who watches the show and is NOT a raving, dedicated fan.

After last night's program, I use to think A.I. could be likened to people's fascination with driving by a bad accident. Now, it's more like watching your pet goldfish flopping around on the floor after the bowl breaks...gasping for air in an unfamiliar, hostile alien environment. Or, how about in Total Recall when those people are exposed to the Martian atmosphere, and their eyes and tongues are bulging out, waiting to explode?

In any case, in the course of two weeks, we have been sucked into the vortex of this black hole of embarrassing media mediocrity. Even Simon can't think of that much mean stuff anymore. He has become even more sarcastic (saying just the opposite of how he really feels).

I can't wait for the results tonight! Phil is toast.

Marketing a wedding photography business in a small town

An essential part of any business is the marketing end of it. Identifying and securing a customer base is the way money is made. Without paying customers, your "business" efforts are for naught.

For years, the "experts" haven't conclusively agreed upon a standard definition of what marketing really is. Basically, (according to Wikipedia) it is the process by which products, services, and value are exchanged in order to fulfill individual's needs and wants. These processes include, but are not limited to, advertising.

During the past two years, I have maintained a few ads on internet weddings sites, handed out my business card to most every new person I meet, and I will participate in a retail bridal show soon (my first). The actual bookings of weddings from these efforts have been relatively scarce. Though the responses to these ads has been moderate, a decent smathering of brides in need of future wedding photography services. The problem has been the pricing end of my marketing. At least that is what I have surmised (assumed) the problem is.

Typical email response I receive..."Gee, I really love your wedding photography on your website. That's exactly what we are looking for...your style and quality of photos. Would you please send us a price sheet so we can book you for our wedding in (date)?"

I email them back with a few words of thanks and my rate sheet. Then (most of the time)...nothing. I never hear back from them.

Keep in mind that the national average fee for wedding photography is $2500 for the photographer's time, not including prints, albums, DVD's, video, or washing the bride and groom's car. That's just for your time. Now, factor in my location (small town, central valley California)...my rates are much lower than that, with packages that include prints and digital negatives (photo DVD)...the whole ball of wax. Just "over the hill" from where we live is the San Francisco Bay Area (70 miles). You can't even speak to a wedding photographer over there for less than about $5000. Some where between S.F., Hayward, San Jose, Dublin, Livermore...moving east...to Modesto (our town of residence)...the perception of value for wedding photography (or any wedding service in general) plummets!

The national average full wedding budget is about $50,000. The wedding photography piece of that is 10-20% ($5000+). Around these "parts", we're looking at somewhere around $500-$700 for what folks are willing to fork over for the same service. A service, I might add, that provides the couple with one of the only tactile items (besides the wedding rings and top of the cake) they will be able to take with them after all the hoopla...a record of the event.

Be that as it may...needless to say...the bottom line is...marketing the wedding photography end of my business has presented its challenges. During a recent meeting with a prospective bride and groom, here is how the actual conversation went.

Me: So, here is my rate sheet. Complete coverage starts at $1500. You get all-day coverage including the rehearsal the day before, getting ready, the ceremony, and beginning-to-end coverage of the reception. Plus an ample collection of 4x6 prints and album, and the digital negatives on photo DVD. Plus, I will do a slideshow presentation with music on DVD.
Groom: So...you're telling me that we have to actually pay someone to do all of this?
Me: Ah...yes.
Groom: I got me an uncle who will do all of that plus 8 hours of video for $500!
Me: Well...if I were you...I would go for that "uncle package"...ya' can't beat that.

At some point as a photographer, you have to ask yourself the question, "What are my services worth?" Not, "What are Modesto photography services worth?" You do the same work for $2500 as you would for $500. Unfortunately, there is not a standard, minimum rate for this kind of service. There is for plumbers, auto mechanics, and carpenters...but not for photographers. A profession that provides a service to a customer. It's not a critical service mind you. You can live without it. But a valid service nonetheless.

Why is the perception of value so low around here? Because that is what local photographers have been charging for a long time, and will continue to charge. There is not a Photographers Union Local #311. There will probably never be a photographer's union. In fact, generally speaking, photographers themselves are a pretty reclusive, close-lipped bunch. They (we) don't get together and discuss their business with each other. Photography attempts to balance art and business.

And the digital revolution has not only helped the photography business, it has hindered it. Digital equipment has taken away the mystique that was the art of photography. No longer are there photo proofs printed on photo paper that fade after a few months. Digital proofs of any kind can be "sucked" off a web page without compensation to the photographer. Anyone can have prints made from a "proof" CD at Rite Aid, Costco, or the local hardware store...for pennies. The "print" end of a photographer's business used to account for at least half of their income. Now, it's difficult to maintain that security and integrity. We rarely sold our negatives. Print sales were a vital part of the cash flow.

So now, most wedding photographers are again charging for their services up front, ie, offering complete packages for time and prints. And that is not a bad thing for either the customer or the photographer. The mark-up on prints is very high. Most customers don't realize that a "service plus prints" package is much more costly than a "service and prints" deal. It's that simple.

Marketing a business involves determining that perception of value piece, for any product or service. What will someone pay for that item or service? What will the market bear?

Around here, it would be rare to find anyone willing to pay $35 for a plate of charred meat with a couple tablespoons of sauce on it, regardless of the ambiance and fancy decor. In San Francisco, that's a pretty good price for fine dining! The same goes for photography. What do you think it's worth?

By the way, my final answer to the bride and groom and the "uncle package"?

Me: My advice to you is to go with your uncle's offer, but offer to pay him only $400. Then, take that other $100 and purchase about 20 disposable cameras to place on the tables at the reception. And, have him wash your car as well.

True story. A sad story, but a true story.

By the way, for destination weddings, ie, Cancun, Cabo, or Casablanca, the fee pretty much doubles.

For what it's worth...here is my photo website www.skiphansenphotos.com I am always willing to talk about rates and to customize my packages. And, at this point in time, I would be willing to wash your car as well...for the right price.

Potpourri- I hate my life, Wendy's stinks, home made sourdough.

Me and Loretta...

Me: Honey, I hated my life until I met you (12 years ago),
Loretta: What d'ya mean? You still hate your life!
Me: Yeah...but not quite as much.

Wendy's...

For some inexplainable reason, we ventured into our nearby Wendy's for lunch today. Loretta says, "Hey, look...Junior Bacon Cheeseburger for 99 cents!" Our visit only validated why we never go to Wendy's. I used to patronize them years ago...you know, those big, square meat patties, ketchup, lettuce, tomato...not bad. But this Junior Bacon Cheeseburger didn't resemble the poster in the window in the least. I hadn't seen such a miniscule burger patty since I worked at McDonald's in 1966. And, some sort of piece of iceberg lettuce from the stump area of the head, a tomato slice that was still green, and one slice of see-through, pre-cooked bacon. Oh yeah...and the bun was stale. That Dave guy would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what was happening at Wendy's now! Loretta says, "Why do people come in here?" "Must be the chili and baked potatoes...'cause it sure ain't for the burgers!", I replied. How can you f***up a hamburger?

Home Made Sourdough Bread...

Today, I baked my first from-scratch, home made sourdough bread. Yesterday, I made the sourdough starter. And today I baked my first "artisinal" bread. It turned out excellent...thick, crunchy crust, etc. I knew I could find a purpose for that pizza stone someone gave us for a wedding present! The character of the sourdough will improve as the starter ages. One must remove some every few days and replace it with fresh water and flour...the yeast does the rest. It's soooo easy. The bread baking business (like the coffee business) could be so profitable...the ingredients cost next to nothing. They say that San Francisco sourdough bread is so good because of the weather there...salty humidty, et all. I'll have to settle for just thinking about the City by the Bay when I'm making it...couldn't hurt.