So, I'm a smartass. And, that's a good thing, how?

An exchange between myself and my mother, circa 1963...

Me: So, why can't we join a nudist camp?

Mom: Well, we just don't do those kinds of things.

Me: What kinds of things do we do? This family is so boring.

Mom: Watch your mouth or I'll tell your Dad when he comes home!

Me: Billy's parents do that sort of thing. He says they run around naked in the house and by the pool all the time.

Mom: Fine. Someday, we'll all go to a nudist camp.

Me: Can we start practicing today...like around the house?

Mom: Don't be a smartass!

When you're a 13 year old San Fernando Valley kid smack dab in the middle of puberty...you're also a smartass...that's a given. Evidently, living in the San Fernando Valley is not a prerequisite for such adolescent recalcitrant behavior. Being 13 years old is! In the male homo sapien, this type of personality defect may last, and quite often does last, well into the 80's...and possibly beyond life itself. Male amoebas may possess a basic cynicism that only female amoebas can decipher, thus making this trait completely genetic and evolutionary. Except for the fact that amoebas are hermaphrodites (I think), this behavior may not be gender specific in early lifeforms. Anyway...

So why is being a smartass at age 13 such a liability, when being a smartass at age 57 considered an asset? Well, maybe not as much of an asset as it is part of one's "personality". Let's face it, some folks have made quite a handsome living from the spouting of copious amounts of sarcasm, cynicism, and irreverent critical rhetoric. They have succeeded in capitalizing on being smartasses.

I was recently told that one of the reasons I was chosen for an employment position was due, at least in part, to the fact that I was a smartass. And that this "smartassitude" was detected through reading my blogs. Apparently this trait (or personality defect) I possess has proven to be an asset...finally.

So with that in mind, I raise my glass to smartasses everywhere. And hereby decree the word "smartassitude" be submitted to the Oxford or the Webster dictionary folks as an official damn word!

smartassitude - smart-ass-ih-tood - A complex mental state involving beliefs, feelings, values, and dispositions to act in certain ways as to exhibit sarcasm, cynicism, and an overall shitty and sometimes negative outlook on life. e.g. We hired the sonofabitch because of his smartassitude on life. He's a fucking crackup...at times...and will fit in with our culture.

To all 13 year old smartasses out there: Be patient. Someday you'll be appreciated!