The Heartbreak of C.R.S.S.: It happens to the best of us.

I can’t remember when I first heard someone say that they had C.R.S. Of course, that goes without saying since C.R.S. stands for Can’t Remember Shit*. It’s a somewhat whimsical condition, usually associated with getting older whereby one cannot remember what happened five minutes ago, but can describe in great detail little things that happened many years or even decades ago.

I feel the actual medical term for this malady of memory should more accurately be C.R.S.S., the Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome, since C.R.S. also stands for everything from Catholic Relief Services to the Congressional Research Service to the Center for Resource Solutions. In addition, a syndrome refers to several signs or symptoms occuring together. More on the other symptoms of C.R.S.S. in a moment.

And of course C.R.S.S. is not soly a human condition. In fact, I am quite sure that it may have been initially identified as something shared by all canines. Dogs are the creatures that pretty much corner the market on this. How many times a day does your dog walk into a room, stand there for a moment with a confused look on its face, then turn around and go right back to where it was laying? Fido has no idea, or simply can’t remember, why he got up from his nap in the first place. Our greyhound, Sammy, has it bad. He will wander into the living room (from his perpetual resting place on our bed) and stand between us and the plasma...and just stare at us. The interval of time between his arrival and departure can last anywhere between a few seconds and several minutes. Fortunately, we took this into account when purchasing our latest TV stand. I had to place the television high enough to keep him from blocking our view (greyhounds are quite tall). Unfortunately, the cable box is much lower. So when Sammy does stand there in a stupor (which can occur many times during an evening), the remote doesn’t work!

Some of the other human signs that may indicate one has C.R.S.S. are , the blank stare, the furrowing of the brow, and the scratching on one’s head with one hand while placing the other hand on one’s hip. This is usually followed by turning one’s head around, in the direction from where one came...then a retracing of one’s footsteps leading up to the “attack” of C.R.S.S., in a attempt to jog the memory as to why one found oneself in that room or location in the first place. My R.S.R. (Recovery Success Rate) from a C.R.S.S. attack is about 50%. I have no research indicating what the average “norm” is on R.S.R., but I will look into it.

Take care not to misdiagnose C.R.S.S. One must be careful not to confuse it with some other common societal, and exclusively human, conditions with similar symptoms. One such malady is called S.H.M.S., or Selective Hearing Malfunction Syndrome. This occurs mainly in husbands while their wives are speaking to them about something the husband has no interest. For example...

Wife: “Honey, I had a lousy day at work today”
Husband: (Watching a ball game on T.V. or reading the newspaper) “Yes, dear”
Wife: “Yeah, you wanna hear about it?”
Husband: “Yes, dear”
Wife: “A homicidal maniac came into our office and beheaded all of us with a chainsaw”
Husband: “Oh, yeah? That’s nice, dear”
Wife: “On top of that...he followed me home”
Husband: “Hmmm. Wow!”
Wife: “In fact, he is standing right here in the kitchen with me now”
Husband: “That’s great!”
Wife: “Shall we invite him for dinner?”
Husband: “Yes...dear”

This husband’s S.H.S. was triggered by the first line in the conversation. But may have in fact been active the moment his wife walked in the door. Sadly, S.H.S. may be a genetic trait present in all males from birth. Females can have it as well, but that is not as common.

Females are more susceptible to R.T.T.S....the Resort To Tears Syndrome. Which, by the way, often occurs in women after a particularly severe attack of C.R.S.S. A related condition in males called L.U.O.T.F., Liberal Use Of The F-Word can occur after a C.R.S.S. attack in them.

My latest attack of C.R.S.S. came at the supermarket last week. I couldn’t remember my PIN at the check stand! The same PIN I’ve had for eight years and use almost every day. It was not only embarrasing, it was quite disturbing and bothered me the remainer of the day.

Don’t dismay if you are experiencing C.R.S.S. it happens to all of us, young and old. If you are middle-aged or older, feel comfortable that you may be past the age at which C.R.S.Y.C.S. happens, Can’t Remember Shit and You’re Clueless Syndrome, will arise. This can be quite common for people under the age of 30...but not always.

I personally won’t start worrying about this syndrome until I start walking into a room, not remembering why I went in there, and find myself standing in front of the television...on all fours. Then, I may call someone.

For some reason, I can't remember the point of this blog!

*For the salty-language-sensitive: substitute the word stuff.