The Future World of No Trans Fat

Let’s face it. There is not much out there that isn’t bad for you in some way. Even if you are on a so-called “gorilla diet”, ie, all fresh green vegetables...it may not help you live longer. Just like the TV commercial says, “Alfredo sauce is bad for you. But it may be your Uncle Alfredo who gave you those bad genes”.

New York City is one of first to ban trans fats in all cooking oils. They are requiring that restaurants comply with this in 6 months. They will have 18 months to replace all other use of trans fats in all processed foods.

Trans fats are formed when liquid oils are made into solid fats by adding hydrogen in a process called hydrogenation. A common example of this is partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, which is used for frying and baking and turns up in processed foods like cookies, pizza dough and crackers. Trans fats, which are favored because of their long shelf life, are also found in pre-made blends like pancake and hot chocolate mix.

Trans fats are believed to be harmful because they contribute to heart disease by raising bad cholesterol and lowering good cholesterol at the same time. Some experts say that makes trans fats worse than saturated fat.

I worked for McDonalds in the mid 60’s. In those days, they cooked their french fries in lard...rendered down animal fat. In the late 80’s, I worked for a large steak house company that cooked all their deep-fried foods in lard...manteca...rendered down animal fat. Why? Because it tasted better and was cheaper...good reasons, no? Shortly thereafter, that company (and most other food service concerns) switched to poly unsaturated vegetable oil...all touting how much healthier this was. Now we find that even this material may be worse for you than saturated fat, ie, lard.

The only true method for avoiding this quandary is to avoid fried foods and use of fat in your diet altogether. Even frying stuff in non-trans fat vegetable oil adds fat! And fat is fat. Poly unsaturated fat has the same calorie and fat content by volume as pure Extra Virgin Olive Oil...and saturated fat (lard). For example...if you buy Extra Light Olive Oil...you are paying extra for the same fat and calorie content as Extra Virgin Olive Oil...only with less taste! That’s the “light” part of it...which comes from making this oil from the third or fourth squeezing of the olives.
So...what is coming next from our caring government watchdogs? Will any fat in food be illegal someday? Probably. Will we experience a 21st Century Prohibition period against fat just like alcohol prohibition in the early part of the 20th Century?

If so, will there be Foodie Speakeasies? Secret rooms with nondescript entrances in alleys with little peepholes that open up when you do the special “knock”? Picture a Sin City-like scene in a dimly lit, foggy back street in the industrial section of Los Angeles...

Surly doorman: “What’s the password?”
Nervous customer outside: “Duckfat”.
Surly doorman: (cracks open the door) “Who sent ya’?”
Nervous customer outside: “Guido the Greaseman”.
Surly doorman: “Get in here!”

Inside the Foodie Speakeasies you’ll find all the tasty things that the government has determined to be bad for us. All the good “bad” stuff that can no longer be sold legally. Like duckfat french fries, buffalo wings, and all-you-can-eat popcorn-shrimp. Eggs, sausages, and hash browns. Roast beef sandwiches with cheesewiz, fettucine alfredo, and cheesecake. Snickers bars, creme brulee, and root beer floats. The menu of forbidden foods will be extensive...and expensive!

In this world of the future, deep fat fryers will be bootlegged. Cheese will be smuggled in from Switzerland in containers marked “Tofu”. A pound of chocolate will cost $1000 and be sold out of the trunks of old Pintos down by the rail yard. All fast food restaurants will be converted to Yoga schools or World of Fresh Herb Emporiums. Overweight people will be profiled by the FBI and forced to go to the gym twice a day. The domesticated cow will become extinct. Butchers will be reeducated and retrained as soy farmers. The garment and textile industries will receive government subsidies to stay in business because everyone will become skinny and not require as much clothing. It will be illegal to possess anything not on the “New Simian Diet”. Only water will be allowed in vending machines. Hostess and Little Debbie will long since be out of business. Betty Crocker will be indicted and charged with genocide. Lance Armstrong XIII will be the Secretary of Agriculture. All tobacco company CEO’s will be sent to Hell immediately.

Because even the consumption of fresh fish will be outlawed...fish will overrun the oceans and devolve back into dinosaurs at an accelerated rate. Giant domesticated pigs will rampage the land looking for truffles. The melting ice caps will cause the New Ice Age to begin. People will flee now-frozen-over cities and form vegetarian militaristic tribes living in the Andes. George W. Bush CXXII will be their leader. Simmonology will be the new religion. These people will worship ivory statues of Richard Simmons. Their bible will be a Deal-A-Meal book. Similar groups will emerge worshipping the Golden Arches, become cannibals, eating the vegetarian tribes. Their leader will be a distant relative of Dr Atkins. Fat people will have long since fled underground and be called Morlocks...venturing out at night looking for vegetarians to feed on...deep fried, of course.

Our Future World on No Trans Fat looks bright. We can rest assured that our government will do the right thing and look out for our best interests.

It’s so comforting to know that!