Some great inventions I am working on...

Here are a few great ideas, some of them inventions if you will, that I am working on. Each and every one of them would make me a fortune. Unfortunately, none of them are likely to come to fruition.

1. Kashi that tastes like a Bacon Double Cheeseburger and Fries...instead of sticks and twigs.

2. Special eyeglasses for single guys. When you view a potential female date candidate...they show you what they will look like in 30 years.

3. Special eyeglass for single women. When you view a potential male date candidate...they show you the exact date and time of day that he will reveal how much of an asshole he is.

4. A card that must be inserted into the ignition of all autos to start them. The card will contain information regarding possession of a drivers license, insurance, immigration papers, and...here’s the best part...an I.Q. detector.

5. The Diet Pill...no side effects, anyone can take it. Need I say more?

6. A weapons-grade laser to replace those intersection red light cameras. Maybe disintegration will deter these nasty drivers.

7. A true to life looking fake arm for one night stands...so when you sneak out in the morning, you don’t have to chew off your real arm. Inflatable and easily detachable. Fits in your wallet next to that old condom.

8. The buffet restaurant moving sidewalk. Allows the management of these trough bistros to move patrons past the all-you-can-eat steak and shrimp sections faster when necessary. The device will provide enough room for the 500 pounders and their electric cars.

9. A device that attaches to your phone, allowing you to send a sub-sonic brain memory erasing signal back to the caller, making them a drooling, mindless idiot. For use with stalkers, telephone marketers, bill collectors, and ex-wives only.

10. A Re-Intelligencer. Technically, it restores dead brain cells from the conversion of testosterone. Unfortunately, the side effects include reduced libido, reduced erections, accelerated hair loss, rashes, oily discharge, loss of teeth, and general malase.

If number 10 comes true, I wouldn’t notice any changes in my life.