The Trauma of the Liver and Onions

This afternoon while preparing an item for dinner tonight, I was reminded of something in my past that I refer to as The Trauma of the Liver and Onions.

We’re not having having liver and onions tonight. Hell no! But we are having charra beans that require the sautéing of bacon and onions. Normally, the smell of cooking those two items together is quite pleasant...for most people. But for me, it brings back memories of being forced to eat something that, in my opinion, should not be eaten!

This whole thing goes back to when I was a child, being “coerced” into putting liver in my mouth, chewing it, and swallowing it. Only to find out that it wouldn’t go down. Or more accurately, it came back up.

The like or dislike of liver and onions is not a subjective thing. It is objective...A or B...you love it or you hate it...there is no middle ground. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Yea, I kind of like it.” They say, “Ooooh, I love liver and onions.” Or, “Oh my God, I can’t stand that crap!”

They say liver is an excellent, concentrated source of high-quality protein, vitamins, and minerals. Liver is also a concentrated source of cholesterol. All that notwithstanding...it tastes like shit! It is where the body stores toxins, poisons, and other nasty stuff. It is not something humans should be eating!

My parents made me eat it. Maybe they made me eat it a few times, maybe just once. But once was enough. I do remember they finally made something else for my sisters and I on the nights that my father requested liver and onions. He loved it.

One of the methods used to force ingest this stuff, was to cut it into tiny bites, mix this into my mashed potatoes, then stick a big old forkful in my mouth. “Open your mouth. Now swallow it! Or we’re not going to Disneyland!”. Well, they may not have held the Disneyland thing over my head...but there was some sort of deterrent offered up for spitting it out. But I did spit it out. I couldn’t swallow it. I gagged and gagged. It could not be done. I even tried hiding it under my mashed potatoes...or sneaking as much as I could to the dog when they weren't looking.

Many friends and acquaintances of mine love liver and onions. My best friend loves it. One of my ex-wives loved it. In fact, I think that is the last time I actually smelled this nasty material being cooked in my house. When I refused to make it, she decided to make it herself one night. She did not know how to cook anything, but she tried cooking liver and onions. Picture a large, heavy metal skillet...placed over an electric stove burner turned up as high as it would go. When the surface of the pan was glowing white hot, she dumped in one of those plastic tubs of beef liver. No seasoning, no flour, no pounding out, no draining of the blood, no oil...just 500 degrees of blazing pan. You would have thought that this deep red pile of bovine organ meat had come back to life. It started dancing around, all over the pan. The smoke was billowing up...the blood was spattering all over the stove and wall behind it. The stench of it filled our little apartment. When she thought it was done, she plopped it on a plate and tried to eat it. It wasn’t very appetizing, even for her...a liver lover. The stove and wall looked like a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Even chicken livers gross me out. I’ve even tried those recently. Not gonna happen. Even with all the seasoned flour, the crispy coating, the frying in butter, the sautéed onions...they still taste like liver. Chicken livers are for catfishing. You put them out in the sun all day, let 'em get real nasty smelling...then ya' go fishing for catfish. They love 'em! Don’t even get me started on liverwurst, or foie gras, or pate. They’re simply different forms of liver disguised as a delicacy of some sort.

I guess I was just never introduced to organ meat dishes the right way. Even sweetbreads (the endocrine gland)...can’t hack ‘em. At a huge western steakhouse I worked, these were a specialty. They would cook these slimey, skin-colored nuggets in liquid, cool them, slice them, then grill them. One night at a special event (after a considerable amount of Jack Daniels embibement on my part), I ate a bunch of BBQ’d sweetbreads...thinking it was trip tip! Fast forward one hour later when I was seeing Jesus while hanging over my toilet. I suppose it could have been the J.D.

So, right now my house smells like two thirds of my least favorite dish in the whole world. It smells like onions and bacon...all I would need to do is add liver, and I would be headed for a prayer session with the porcelain god.

My next rant about food not fit to eat: Caviar! I’ve tried, but it still smells like trout bait to me.

As a public service to any reader of this blog who is not liver challenged (as I am), here is a link to a Beef Liver recipe page. Have at it!